TOP 10

Top Ten Reasons Why Males Do Not Wash Their Hands.


Let’s face it – dudes are gross, and they do not wash their hands. (If you are a dude who actually does wash their hands, congratulations! Go to the head of the class! High five everyone on the way there! Wash your hands again upon arrival! Then laugh at this list with the knowledge that it does not apply to you because you are a superior human being.) Why are dudes gross? Scientists have attempted to ascertain the answer to this question since the dawn of time. Some speculate it is because of the “Homer Simpson Duh” gene that appears only on the Y chromosome. Some men try to explain lack of handwashing by saying things like, “Well, actually,” and then all anyone hears is blah-blah-blah.

I believe, with the help and consultation of brilliant females from all around the house, that I have accumulated the knowledge needed to create the following:


Here’s the Top 10 Reasons why Men and Boys do not wash their hands:

  1. They are unfamiliar with the location of any public hand-washing devices: Gentlemen. Allow me to be your travel guide. When you are in a public restroom, along one wall you will usually find the functionally-named devices called “Urinals.” You likely have used one before – it’s the thing where you stand with your fellow in your hand and deposit your pee on the cake you can’t eat. Imagine you are there and have just finished your urinating. Release your ding-dong from your grip, zip up your pants or trousers or shorts, or lower your kilt, or pull up your undies, or whatever else you need to do to conceal your colloquially named, (and delightfully accurate), “junk.” Turn around, and look at the wall opposite the urinal. What do you see? Did you say mirrors? That’s true. You are indeed a handsome fellow. But look a little closer, below the mirrors. Those are called “sinks.” At those not-functionally-named things called “sinks,” (why is it a “sink” and not a “bowl”?) you will see a “faucet” where both cold AND hot water can come out. Go to it. You may be shocked to learn that you may not even have to turn it on! Just wave your hand under the faucet and oftentimes water will appear as if by magic! If it doesn’t, check to see if there are any knobs or handles, likely with an “H” or “C” located on them. They will need turned either clockwise or counterclockwise to bring forth the aforementioned “water.” Wet your hands. Now, there should also be something nearby that is labeled “soap” or “foam” or “toxic disinfectant, do not drink.” Rub some of this stuff on what should now be your wet hands. Keep rubbing it all over your hands until fully soaped/foamed/de-toxed, and then place back under water, continuing to rub, while singing the alphabet song to yourself – out loud or in your head – three times. Acceptable endings are “Won’t you come and sing with me?” or “I just washed off all the pee.”

  2.  Their wife, mom, girlfriend, au pair, grannie, maid, roommate, partner, or dog, only buys “girly-smelling” soaps for their bathroom at home. Adult males – you have literally no excuse. Buy your own damn soap that smells the way you want to smell. Amazon sells it, and I hear they are currently delivering. Non-adult males (aka “boys”) – There is no such thing as “girly-smelling.” That’s a sexist marketing ploy that has been brainwashing males for decades. Lavender, rosemary, peaches, strawberries, apples, cinnamon, vanilla – these are things that exist in NATURE, and which have NO GENDER assigned to them. Be the generation which stops thinking that things that smell WONDERFUL must only be for females. Or ask an adult to buy you some soap that has “musk” in it, or whatever.

  3. Boys have cooties, and they like their cooties because it keeps icky girls away. This has been verified by my wife, who is a kindergarten teacher. She heard it from Cindy, who heard it from Nelle, who got it directly from Samantha as she was telling it to Wendy. Facts. Boys don’t wash hands because of the repelling power of cooties.

  4. “But I already washed them once today!” – Bravo. You are one step closer to not being disgusting. The next step? Wash them again.

  5. After “Going Number One” – “My penis has not been anywhere today, so it’s not dirty!” Fascinating. I actually heard someone say this recently. Brilliant. Just out of curiosity, when did you pick up the ability to see microscopic organisms, like viruses and bacteria, on the skin of your penis? What do they look like? Where do I get this ability?

  6. Or… “I didn’t use my hands when I peed” This applies to more boys than men, but I get it. You were clever and creative and lifted up the leg of your shorts or you just dropped your drawers altogether. Good for you. Were you taking a leak in an environment that was germ-free, bacteria-free, virus-free, stink bug-free, gnat-free, flea-free, (you get the idea)? You still had to touch something to get to that place, and if you wash your hands even after Bluetooth pissing (get it? Hands-free? 😊), then you will help form the lifelong habit of always washing them after going Number One. Good job. You’re number one in my book!

  7. After “Going Number Two – “It’s not like I wiped my butt with my hand!”  My God, you’re gross. Let’s do an experiment. Let’s you and I go out for a walk together, (six feet apart, of course) and find some dog poop on the ground. It will be there, no matter where you live. I will bring along a piece of regulation size toilet paper, single ply is all you can find right now, and I will pick up the dog poop with that paper. I will then put that paper, and the dog poop, in a nearby receptacle. Immediately afterwards, I will reach into my pocket and pull out a sandwich that I made for you back at home. There will be no wrapping on the sandwich. My bare-nekked-just-have-picked-up-dog-crap fingers will hand it to you. You must eat it. You MUST. Or, you can start washing your hands every time you go Number Two. *shudders shoulders* You’re gross.

  8. “Instead of washing my hands, I always just use hand sanitizer” Good for you. Seriously. I am glad you are at least doing that. Really, I am. You’re cleaner than, like, 62% of the male population. However, I would like you to consider something – There are some germs that hand sanitizers don’t kill. They just don’t. And those germs just got rubbed around and around and around your hands. They got moved from your thumb to your palm to your index finger and back to your thumb. Water washes that stuff away. It really does. Plus, right now, hand sanitizer is selling like crack on street corners for 50-bucks-a-blow. Supply-side economics. Capitalism. Ugh.

  9. Boys do not wash their hands because their male role models don’t wash their hands Time to break the cycle, boys! Many of you may be home right now with a female of some variety. Ask if you can watch them the next time they wash their hands. If you do not have a female to ask, then I encourage you to look up “hand-washing” on YouTube. Whether live in the house or coming to you via satellite, you are about to see how a person should wash their hands. Take copious notes. Watch how they apply soap. Notice the lathering. Inhale deeply as they rub their hands together. Exhale slowly while they rinse them off. Be a learner. Be at peace.

  10. And the final reason why men and boys do not wash their hands……. The Game Is On. NOT ANYMORE!